The online dating consultant

I’m sitting in the old bath house in hackney working on my laptop.

Since I’ve lived in London, for the last five years or so, I have become a bit of a regular here.

For the last few months I’ve spent a LOT of time here. I’m doing a bunch of laptop work and they have central heating and lovely, affordable food. And there are loads of great people kicking around.

Also I build saunas around London for the people who run the building. So I often use the saunas here.

In a big city it’s nice to frequent a space. It makes the city feel smaller. Every time I come, I bump into people and chat. And also the the wifi is free and fast, and the tables don’t wobble.

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But also theres a lot of extremely kooky, fascinating, odd people here. Who sometimes horrify me. But always intrigue me.

I think the extreme kookiness is largely a result of this space hosting ecstatic dance events. These events are sober, daytime dance parties for ‘conscious’ people. Twice a week. Big speakers, loads of people dancing and getting weird.

But more often than not, there’s nothing sober about them. And arguably nothing that conscious about em either.

There is, on the other hand, definitely, always something sexual about them.

It’s the kind of crowd where nordic looking bearded dudes wearing ayahuasca inspired tribal amulet bracelets and £40 t-shirts that say in bold font ‘men get sad too’ shill their new podcasts about connecting to your inner child, while reminiscing about ayahuasca ceremonies gone by.

And then spill outside mid dance to hide behind a bin and hump someone they just met.

It’s a crowd where spirituality, emotionality and openness are tools that can be used to profit and convince people to have sex. You know - tell someone your deepest darkest secrets, and expose your vulnerability and then sell them something or get their number.

But at least thats what it seems like. Maybe I’m close minded. Maybe I’m not conscious enough.

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Anyways. A few hours ago I sat down to do a bit of work. My headphones were dead so I put them on charge.

It was going well, for a while. I was nice and focused and making progress. A few people around me were working away quietly.

Then these two guys guys - who loosely meet the above description -came in. They were very loud from the start. One of them - a fella with exactly seven dreads tightly pulled back from the front of his hairline to the back of his otherwise shaved head, loudly explained the space to his friend, a person that looked like an AI generated “male human”.

Welcome to the bath house mate. They have saunas here which I go to all the time, studios, art exhibitions by exclusively queer artists, an event space and a cafe. It’s a very special place for me. I am here literally all the time. It’s my third space.

Anyway mate, lets see your dating profiles then.

oh uh yes mate, I mean I don’t really uh… Ill find my tinder… uhh.

We need to get you on bumble, hinge, and breeze. Breeze is good because there is no small talk and the app buys you the first drink. And feeld, feeld is amazing, its a sex positive app, if you are into that, but actually recently the guardian did an article about it and that’s kind of ruined it.

Tinder is so vanilla mate.

What is your sexuality.

oh, okay mate, yes, but I’m not sure about all that. Im hetero mate. I’m just a traditional a traditional south African guy.

okay. typing.

And actually mate vanilla is my favourite flavour.

Okay well lets start with bumble then.

he pulls out a camera. This is my Canon. I’m going to take some photos of you mate for your profiles. Here stand up. Stand in front of those paintings and act like you are appreciating the art.

he stands up and picks up a piece of paper that lists the different pieces of art and their prices. I can see that his hand is shaking. he stands in front of some of the paintings and tries to look candid while being photographed.

ok yes good. Now sit down and take this newspaper and read the crosswords.

ok mate.

The photographer dude stands up and takes a bunch of pictures of his mate pretending to read the newspaper. And he moves around and sets up so me and the person on the table next to me are in the background of the picture and I make it very clear that I’m covering my face and don’t want to be photographed in aid of this dudes sex life. And I decide at that moment that I dislike this person and am comfortable writing about him.

he sits down again after taking the pictures.

Lets see your Tinder then mate

This looks alright mate, you look good in these. You should back yourself.

I never back myself.

She’s spicy as fuck mate what the fuck.

Trust me mate, I do actually get some, sometimes.

So whats the issue then.

To be honest mate, I just thought you were a good photographer and I wanted you to to take some pictures of me, for casting and getting jobs, not for dating profiles. I think this might be a bit of a misunderstanding.

And then it was raining today, so I agreed to come here.

But I really wanted you to take photos of me in Bank. Bank is the most beautiful area in London.

To be honest with you, I was trying to get free pictures but reward you with something else

Like food or something

Yeah food or something. Im broke as fuck at the moment to be honest mate. I was just trying to get some free photos out of you. I just wanted some professional photos to help me get a job.

Lets meet on a sunny day in bank instead. We can meet up then and get some good photos mate.

Do you want me to get you a coffee mate, if you are broke?

nah nah mate thats fine.

Ill get you one.

He comes back with two coffees and some pastries.

slice of banana bread, salted caramel cake.

all vegan

and only 15 quid.

Oh my god. banana bread is my favourite thing.

thank you.

oh my god.

its good isnt it.

fucking delicious.

mmm

holy shit.

sorry dude i should have been much more clear with you from the start.

thats okay.

I’m going to bring my friends here. they will love this place as well.

what are your monthly earnings at the moment. your always struggling for cash. whats going on. what are you doing for work. whats your rent.

I make 800 a month and i pay 700 a month for rent. I’m eating into my savings.

You’re someone who could model. I model you know. 25-30 quid an hour. I can help you get into it.

Oh yeah?

go to internet

sign up on the register of artists models and pay the fee.

I go on my laptop and type in the link he mentions. It’s a list of people, their genders, their ages and descriptions of them. If you pay 40 quid, you can see photos of them naked, and hire them to model for you.

fill out the form with as much detail as you can.

4-5 images of yourself.

your a legend how did you find this.

I could obviously take some photos for you.

this is unbelievable mate

thank you

ahh shit. the joining fee…

I can front you the joining fee…

I had people gate keep stuff like this from me. I promised my self I wouldn’t gate keep things from people.

I cant tell you how much I appreciate you. You are an angel. Are you actually an angel. You are just doing something good.

I’m going to pay you back tenfold.

what colour are your eyes.

Green. Ive been told I have nice eyes…

I’m usually not an oat milk fan but this is delicious.

not to brag but I broke the triple jump record for jumping in south Africa.

very cool. (still typing)

You said you were the fastest guy in your grade

always

I knew this guy who nobody could beat in my grade, i could never beat him

i hate those guys

you are those guys… mate, your unbeatable. But yeah he was so good.

My headphones have finally finished charging thank god.

But I don’t put them on. I’m still listening and frantically typing everything these guys say. I’m transfixed.

I hate these guys. I don’t know why I hate these guys so much. Maybe its just two friends trying to help each opther. But something feels so off here.

Here give me your phone, I’ll type in a description of you for your profile.

He types for a little while. Presumably vivid details of his friends body.

I’m going to give it back to you and you tell me what you think.

Is this going to be me staring into my own eyes?

He looks down at the phone and is smiling.

mate your better than chatGPT. this is so well written.

i do pride myself on being good at what I do.

I need to learn more about you. You have a gravitational energy. You went to uni right?

Polotics and philosophy

oh thats why, you have such a flow. its so well structured.

thank you.

The photographer ignores him and scrolls on his phone.

I might have another job for you. Something even better…

He shows him his phone. His friends eyes open big. Wow mate. He seems uncomfortable. somethings not right. but also somethings right.

Thats a lot of money mate.

I know. write it down.

He writes it down.

I saw you went to cambridge by the way?

what… no where did you see that…

your tinder says you went to cambridge…

i did a Cambridge university course. I went to a small University and did marketing.

Can you send me that 38 pounds please mate?

I realise I’ve done absolutely no work for the last few hours, and I put my headphones on.

and thats that.