someone nicked my goat
My local sauna is a pretty bad small gym sauna… with no log fire, no stones, no loyly, low benches, water pooled on the tiled floor, and a constant dry temperature of around 70. But it’s the only sauna around.
I went the other day. Around ten minutes in, some dude walked in, sat down, and said “hello”…
He waited a bit… and then said, “I’m very stressed out.”
The lady with a tattoo of a tree on her shoulder took the bait, “Why are you stressed?”
“Because someones nicked my goat. Well at least, I think someone has nicked my goat. She was pregnant, which means she was worth almost a grand, and to make matters worse, now my other goats bloody depressed. Because goats are - as you know, very social animals - and now I’m going to have to either find the goat or buy a new goat to keep the other one company.”
“How do you know your goat got stolen?” said the hairy old guy who always asks questions.
“Well I don’t know for sure but I feed her so well, and always lock the gates. Besides, I went looking for her and couldn’t find her anywhere. I reckon she’s been nicked because she’s pregnant and that means she’s worth a grand.”
“How do people sell goats? Are there any black market goat websites? Can you check if she’s been put up for sale?” I asked.
“Come on, the last thing you would do if you nicked a goat is put her up for sale online right away.” said the guy who works at the gym, spends all his free time at the gym, and hasn’t noticed that I have been sneaking in and not paying for entry for almost a year.
You see, the gym is a mostly members gym, and so everyone just walks in, past the people at the front desk, taps their card and goes in.
But before the card tapping bit theres a door to the pool changing room, labelled “changing room” and the first time I came here - ten months ago - there was nobody at the front desk, so I just went in. But then, as time passed, I just kept coming and using that door.
At first I was careful, pretending to be on my phone as I passed the entrance, walking fast, head down. But over time I grew more and more confident, and almost forgot I was sneaking in.
Then I got to know a lot of the staff, and now they know me and wave at me as I walk past them and straight into the changing room. They assume I’m a member because I have been coming for almost a year.
Funnily enough, the other day I looked it up and a months membership to the gym is only 20 quid. Which is very few quid, and I would totally pay it because I come to the sauna at least three times a week and thats excellent value for money. But the problem is, at this point, it would be very very awkward to ask for a gym membership. Just imagine that conversation… horrible.
So I just keep casually sneaking in. I figure it’s a pretty small scale crime.
Anyhow, I digress… back to the goat theft sauna discussion… “good point”, I said to the gym guy. And that was that.
Following some more goat related chat, I got out, had a cold shower, and drove home.
A week or so passed without going to the sauna. I had been doing other things in the evenings, like going to the local climbing gym (which I paid for), learning how to use a sewing machine, going to folk sessions at the local pub and - mostly - just passing out after long days of work.
But then this evening I decided to sauna. I parked, walked in, waved at the guys behind the desk, strolled into the changing room, got changed, dashed past an aqua aerobics class in the pool, and jumped in.
I asked the group - hey does anyone know if that dude found his goat?
And some lady said “yeah I heard he’s got his goat back.”
“was it nicked?”
“not sure.”
and that was that.